4. Learn the art of listening

I remember how, many years ago, I had to make a major decision in my life. So I visited a lot of friends and asked for their advice. To my dismay, when I visited each one of them, they just talked and talked to me. They gave me their advice. Isn’t that what I asked them for? Isn’t it what I wanted? Well, it’s what I thought I wanted, until I sat on the receiving end of a monologue. What I realize now, but I didn’t know back then, was that I wanted to be heard. I actually wanted someone to talk to, rather than to be talked at. What they said to me might have been very wise advice, but I found it really unhelpful, because what I wanted most of all was for them to listen to me.

In contrast, only a few years ago I saw a professional counsellor. She spent easily more than 90% of each session letting me talk and talk. Occasionally, she would chip in with a few of her insights. But for most of the time, she would ask a question here and there, and then let me freely talk. I found this whole process to be supremely helpful because, even though I didn’t realize it, I really wanted to talk. And, in talking, it opened me up to her suggestions.

So the lesson we can learn from this is that the art of conversation is actually also the art of getting the other person to do most of the talking. A friend of mine, James, who has been trained in counselling, tells me that his technique is simply not to talk. If there’s a long, uncomfortable pause in the conversation, James says he takes a sip from his cup of drink as a non-verbal signal to the other person that he is not going to talk and that the other person needs to start talking again.

But what are we doing while the other person is talking? We are trying to do three things—hear, understand, and feel. I often jokingly say that this is everything that us guys were taught in pre-marital counselling on how to manage conflict with our wives. For example, if my wife says to me, “You haven’t been cleaning the dishes.” The first thing I need to do is to demonstrate that I have heard what she is saying. So I need to say something like, “From what I hear you saying I’m not cleaning the dishes; have I heard you correctly?”

The second thing I need to do is to demonstrate that I have understood what she is saying. Here I need to summarize her words in my own words. This demonstrates that I’m not merely parroting her words back to her, but that I’ve engaged in some sort of analysis of what she has been saying. So I need to say something like, “I understand how that means I haven’t been doing my share of the housework; would that be how you also see it?”

The third thing I need to do is to demonstrate that I empathize with her emotions. Here I need to describe what she is feeling. So I need to say something like, “That must make you feel very angry.” The funny thing is my wife once caught me giving this advice to my guy friends, and she said to me, “Oh, if I ever catch you doing that to me I’ll be so angry!” So I jokingly replied, “From what I hear you saying …” And the joke works because the fourth thing I also need to do is restore trust. I need to say something, “What can I do to earn your trust again?” Her eye-roll will tell me that maybe I can at least begin with cleaning the dishes!

But, seriously, while our non-believing friend is talking, we can use this method to engage in what’s called “active listening.” For example, if we allow our friend to talk at length about their views on, say, same-sex marriage, we might find ourselves saying this when they’re finished: “From what I hear you saying, you’re very much for same-sex marriage. I understand how for you this is a matter of justice and equality. So you must feel angry when you hear that Christians might not share your point of view. It’s going to take a lot before you trust Christians. Have I heard you correctly?”

If we do this, we have earned enough capital to be able to speak. Our friend might ask us for our thoughts. Or we might politely ask, “Would you like me to respond?” And if our friend feels that they have been heard, then they will now be open to hearing from us.

5. Learn the art of presenting our point of view

A while ago, as a challenge, I thought that it’d be good to learn how to play chess. That’s when I discovered that there are three phases to a chess game—the fore game, the mid game, and the end game. In the fore game, you set up your pieces so that they are in strong positions. In the mid game, you try to advance your pieces. In the end game, you try to corner your opponent. It sounded so simple. But I found I never knew what to do after the first phase—the fore game. That’s because at this moment I was as safe as I could possibly be—with all my pieces set up in front of me. I didn’t dare move another piece, to begin the mid game, because to do so automatically opened me up, making me vulnerable.

But here’s the thing. In order to move ahead, we have to make ourselves open to attack. So how can we do this in the art of conversation? After we’ve done all this listening, what do we do when it’s our turn to speak? How can we best present what we believe to be true? There are several good options to choose from. First, I can say, “As a follower and believer in the Jesus of the Bible, I have the same view as Jesus.” The advantage of this approach is that, in the current Western cultural narrative, authority figures—such as the church—are viewed as oppressive because they impose their metanarratives upon us. But for some reason, our Western culture does not lump Jesus in the same category as the institutionalized church. Instead, Jesus himself is viewed as some sort of subversive, counter-cultural hero. Another advantage is that it places the basis of our belief upon Jesus. We don’t believe what we believe because this is what we prefer to be true. We believe what we believe because this is what Jesus himself tells us is true.