Relationships with the opposite sex often become complicated very quickly. This should not prevent us from entering into meaningful relationships, but nor should we take them too lightly (1 Cor. 10:12). More than ever, those who are considering entering into a dating relationship need to recognize boundaries that are not artificially constructed but rooted in a deep understanding of the way a dating relationship can lead to Christian friendship and possibly marriage. For example, before entering into such a dating relationship, two people must know each other well enough to perceive the faith and character of the other and to be clear on the expectations for a dating relationship. These expectations should be in consonance with both persons’ demonstrated character and should not therefore come as a surprise. Topics to be discussed include physical boundaries of intimacy; faith commitments and practices; acceptable places and amount of time to be together; how and when to meet each others’ family and friends; and so on.
Relational Red Flags
The various kinds of friendship described above can also go out of bounds, so to speak. There are pitfalls in relational life that can lead a Christian friendship into idolatry, the betrayal of God and his purposes in our disordered love. These red flags suggest things are not on the right track. This is not a dismissal of all people in your life who struggle or fail to be perfect. None of us is or will be without the mercy and grace of Christ. However, the following red flags should give you reason to practice caution in your relationships.
The first kind of warning sign pertains to the primary goal, aim, or purpose of a relationship being or becoming pleasure. When you are in a relationship with someone solely because of the pleasure you get from the relationship, something is wrong. A familiar example of this comes when we engage in a romantic relationship primarily because it boosts our self-esteem or gives us physical pleasure. There are many similar relationships in which we fail to move beyond what makes us feel good in the moment. Too often, relationships based on shared interests become reducible to the interest itself and the joy of sharing it with someone else.
The second kind of problematic relationship is one that fails to surpass fulfilling a practical need of some kind. For example, consider the stereotypical quid pro quo between the popular athlete and the intelligent student. The athlete helps make the “nerd” become more popular and capable of participating in athletics while the smart kid helps the “jock” overcome his ineptitude in his studies. When the utility that a relationship has to offer exceeds or competes with your care for the well-being and salvation of the other, the relationship has gone off the tracks.
In addition to these general guidelines, there are a host of corresponding actions that signal that a relationship is in jeopardy of contributing to sinful habits rather than helping to build up each person in Christ. For example, when you are invited by your supposed friend to collude in evil or immoral activity, this is a sign that the relationship is likely no longer a true friendship, ordered to the good. Some instances of this, such as an invitation to participate in explicitly sinful activities, are obvious, while others are not. Augustine gives an example of the former from his adolescence in which he and a group of friends work together to steal pears from someone’s pear tree and then throw them to a group of pigs.32 Augustine describes he and his supposed “friends” as a “gang of naughty adolescents.”33 A more subtle kind of invitation often comes in the form of a conversation gone wrong, usually in the direction of gossip or slander. In the context of a relationship, the symptoms of failure or disordered love are usually subsequent to a gradual decline and perversion of true friendship, if this were ever in place at all. For Christians, these relationships need to be redeemed and ordered to the good so that they can truly be called good Christian friendship.
Conclusion
We have offered here a three-part vision of friendship based on ancient wisdom, divine revelation, and practical application. Throughout this essay, we have assumed two trustworthy guides for progressing through our Christian pilgrimage. The first is the Word of God. As Christians united with Christ and indwelled by the Holy Spirit, we must take up and read God’s Word as our true daily bread. By becoming people of the Word who know its teaching and continue growing in our understanding of God and his ways, we will become more equipped to understand and discern what God has for us and to what he calls us as we grow in wisdom.
The second is our conscience, which for Christians is aided by God’s grace. As Paul teaches in Romans 2:15, every person has a conscience by which we have the ability to use discernment in making decisions. As consuming alcohol without getting drunk requires each Christian to practice his or her own conscience—some people abstain and others consume in moderation—so too with relationships. Scripture is the rule by which we measure our consciences. Yet while Scripture provides helpful parameters about loving God and loving others, it is not written to provide specific prescriptions for every aspect of human relationships. Scripture leaves room for interpretation on certain ethical issues. We are responsible for using our God-given and God-aided conscience to make judicious decisions consonant with the revealed will of God.
If this booklet teaches us anything new, it will be that having good Christian friends will also greatly help us in making such decisions. In other words, we have presented the case for friendship as a third trustworthy guide for the Christian pilgrim, although as with our conscience, God’s Word, the norming norm for the Christian life, must test and correct our friends. Christian friendship plays a central role in the sanctification of the individual believer. A good friend helps us “guard our hearts” (Prov. 4:23) and grow in our love for God (cf., 1 Thess. 3:12–13) so that we achieve communion with God.
Only by meditating on Scripture, adhering to our conscience, and cultivating good Christian friendships will we find ourselves equipped to honor God in all our relationships. And this is a worthy task, for friendship remains one of God’s most precious gifts to the Christian—by loving well as friends we learn to live well in this world in preparation for life with God in the world to come.